I'M NOT FEELING WELL AND I'M NOT FEELIN GOOD

I had been having severe, I mean VERY SEVERE headache lately..
And yeah,
My heart hurts..
The sharp pain just come from nowhere,
Even last night I woke up once because of it..
I know I should go for a check up,
Or maybe consult a doctor..
But my sister's burden is already heavy enough,
I don't want to make it worse for her.
She's flying to Singapore this weekend again..
She doesn't seem to get enough rest,
She said she had a fever few days back..
I'm worry about my health too,
But I worry more about my sister and brother's situation and condition..
Since when I love them so much?
Ever since I realise that they had actually took over my mother and father's role to take care of me..
I miss them..
My mum, my dad(although he suck!), my sis and my bro as well..
What can I do?
NOTHING.

I never say this word before..
But I'm hurting now..
I'm hurting so badly to the extent where I feel so useless.. So useless to the extent where I feel like hiring someone to beat the crap outta me.. I seriously need some beating.
I know it's crazy to say that I wanna get beaten up by someone.. But I prefer physical pain.
I'm hurting so much because of your unchanged lies towards me..
You still wanna lie when I know the truth?
What's wrong with you?
You want to make a new promise with me with those shits?
NO WAY.
You never thought I'll check your phone huh?
Never thought that I saw that "N.H.'s picture folder" actually contains of non-N.H.'s picture..
It's all that person's pictures..
I might keep quiet about it,
But you should know that my observation is better than anyone you knew..
I observe what's going on around me 24/7..
I'm hurting so much because of my results are so fucked up although I study like hell..
I'm hurting so much because of everything..
I wanna be alone..
Alone at least for a day..
I just wanna rest my body and mind..
I don't wanna think about Biology's presentation, Moral folio, my papers' results, my health and etc.
I need some comfort although I know it won't lighten me up that much..
But where can I get it?
I can't imagine my sister holding my report card with such marks and grades..
Does it mean I gotta lie again?
YES.
I'm already feeling guilty..

I miss you.
you=mum
I miss you, mum..
Missing you so much that I wanna hug you and look at your smile again.
I don't have much pictures of you..
I wanna keep your image in my brain..
But it seems like fading away just like how everything else is fading away..
Slowly disappearing into another unseen realm..