Confused. Love&Pain.

I'll be going to KL tomorrow.
What I get from him until now is SILENCE.
I don't even know what I should kind of outcome should I hope for for the interview.
Pass, or not?
I want to pass. I want to try new things.
But when I went to Gunung Rapat's NC today,
All of a sudden, I saw the beauty of the club.
It may looks small and old but it's beautiful.
My heart feels heavy to leave Herbalife just like that.
I love Herbalife.
I love him even more.

My feelings now are so complicated.
I'm so lost.
Today, I spoke to a new-comer, May.
Fanny asked me to tell her my stories to motivate her.
When I was telling her, I thought "When will I ever get the chance to share my story and experience to others after this?"
Yesterday I cried myself to sleep again.
I was in so much pain that my tears just won't stop until I don't know when I fell asleep crying.
I wanna scream and trash things and be violent.

Where is he when I need him the most?
Where is he when I'm facing a career crisis?
Where is he when I'm facing the biggest fear?
Where is he when I needed support mentally and physically?
Where?

Did he read all the messages I sent to him since we stopped talking?
I hope he did.
These few days, lots of random memories came back to me.
He was one of the people who helped me when my tire punctured at KL during Zero To Hero at KL.
He went to Ken and borrowed his car in order to look for shops while put my car somewhere else.
He was the one in the car who kept on asking me to think of positive things. Law of attraction.
He was the one who said things will be fine and asked me to cheer up.

When Eddie started to lose his Avanza....
Both of us came up with the idea of exploring new places to do roadshow.
We thought of Kledang Hill.
We're the only one who started the roadshow at Kledang Hill.
Though the Sean also came with us to explore the places.
I remembered I was wearing my sandals and jeans skirt and they made me walk up the hill with them.
Crazy fellas, but I did because they're my good friends.
I stopped halfway because I don't feel comfortable walking with my sandals on slopes.
So Eddie and Sean continue going and they came back about 10 minutes later.
We're all sweating.
Eddie was about to take off his shirt because he was sweating,
He'd roll up his shirt until the chest level, and he puts it back down suddenly and said with a bit of sarcasm
"Better not take off my shirt. What if Phooi San fell in love with my naked and fair-white back?"
We just laughed.
But who knows that I actually love your broad chest/back because I feels so protected whenever you hugs me.
And I also remember that you lost your phone and walk all the way back to my Menglembu house with your sports' shoe spoiled, it was your worst day.
You sat outside my house under the sun because I didn't hear you shouting for my name when I was upstairs.

I also remember when we were doing roadshow at Pologround after you started doing gym with Daniel,
I will drive because I know you're tired and your muscles ache. And you would say
"Wah, Phooi San gives me so many mother-like-love."

And when I don't have car to do roadshow at Tesco, but he still has his Avanza that time,
He offered to fetch me to and fro because he'll pass by Menglembu no matter how..
And he hid my phone and I was so panicked,
So I revenged by driving away his car and parked somewhere else.
It was the craziest thing I ever did in my life.
I couldn't stop laughing when he was fetching me home and he keeps on asking
"Very funny horrrr?"

And I remembered we're pretending to be "too-close-for-good-friends-relationship" just to test if Orange has feeling for you.
My heart was beating crazily when I pretended to play with your hair.

And that day where you fell sick after eating my customer's Sambal Prawn,
I was so worried. You looked so pale and you're having fever.
And after you felt a bit better-few days later, I forced you to drink 100+. Hahaha

And we did crazy things like going to Secret Recipe just to eat the cakes.
And watch movies, only both of us.

When we were together, there are even more sweet memories.

When we're going to Penang that day, he was staring at my lips.
So I give him a real quick kiss on the lips and he said "Yer, I don't like that. Dry and rough lips."
Then we make out and I pushed him away about, 5 secs later? LOL
Where did he get the courage to do such thing when his friends were at the front seat?!

And when we had lunch for the first time at the TasteGood restaurant,
He ordered fried noodle while I ordered Spaghetti(white sauce because you he likes it)
In the end, I'm eating his fried noodle and he's eating my spaghetti.
That was so sweet :3

Not forgetting the back hugs every time when I was filling my bottle with water at your house.
And those kisses at public places like, cinema, when we're shopping, at comic house.
I just love it. I've always hoped for a kissy boyfriend because in my mind, a kissy boyfriend is a very sweet and loving boyfriend. And yes he is.

I remembered on our first date, he said he wanna buy me the SUB dress if I became Supervisor.
I declined his offer although I love the dress so much because I want him to spend money on other things.
I'm not a materialistic girlfriend. I'm just, well, a girlfriend that can make Eddie Chong happy.

I can't move on just like that.
Don't ask me to show that I'm happier without him.
I can't.
I'm not happy without him. He brings me to heaven.
And when he leaves, I'll fall to a place where it's worse than hell.
He takes away all my pain. Even if he don't, he makes those less painful. Bearable.
He's my pain killer, he's my morphine. He's MY drug.
I'm addicted to this drug and asking me stop will take away my soul. My spirit.
But now, he's also the cause of the pain.

I need him.
I want him.
I miss him.
I love him.
He is Eddie Chong.

I don't want him to be my past because I saw my present and future with him.
Waiting is painful for me.
But I'm willing to wait.
I believe in him, I believe in us.

Yesterday was the worst.
I can't sleep.
Was watching Grey's Anatomy and it wasn't a sad scene but I just feel my tears fell as if the gravity force is so strong that it can't stop falling.
Then I just lie on my back and let it fall uncontrollably.
And I'm crying so badly, almost suffocating my brain as its lack of oxygen.
Then it stopped suddenly, and I continue watching the series until 7am in the morning.
Slept for a while, get up and start doing the resume and CV for the interview on this Saturday.

I miss him, I need him.
What can I do if the worse really happened to ME?
Will you leave and run away from problems again?
Or will you wake up and make a change?
I'm hoping and praying hard that all these that's happening to me is due to stress.
I don't want this to be another reason for you to say you needs a temporary break from all this.
I want this to strengthen our bond instead or making it weak.
You asked me some times ago whether do I have it and you looks so, I don't know. Anticipated?
But I trust you despite of whats going to happen.
Because I just know you better than myself.
Love you Eddie Chong. <3 br="">

MY POV

Its been a month. But I'm still waiting, hoping.
Why? Because I love him too much. A little too much.
I can suddenly smile when I reminisced those sweet moments,
And cried when the pain struck.
How did we end up like this?
I really don't know.

I miss you so much. But do you even know? Maybe you know, maybe you don't.
Like I said that day, I've reached the level where I don't like you anymore, but I love you.
Have you reached that level? I don't care.
All I care is you, and I want to be with you.

Some of them ask me to end this.
While some just say "follow what your heart says."
So I decided to wait.

If everyone will break up just because of small matters,
Then true love won't exist.
Because being in a relationship means being each other's half.
Your half in him, and his half in you.
If you can't do that,
Then don't even think about being in a relationship.

If everyone break up because of a small mistake,
Then everyone's record of their love life will be a bad one,
You'll have so many ex and so if your partner.
Won't you mind?
If everyone break up because they can't work things out,
Then there a blissful marriage is just a fairytale.

See, if everyone decides to change when things go wrong, instead of thinking how to overcome it,
Then there won't be any successful people.
Why are those people so successful in life?
Why their ridiculous dreams can come true?
Because they've know mistakes and they consistently look out for solutions to reach that one thing that they want to achieve.
Don't adjust your goals, but adjust your plans to reach your goals.
I'm still young, I know.
I'm just 19 so why think so much?
The answer is, that's how serious I am in this relationship.