SPM

21/03/12

A day that I can't forget. Woke up super early because of the anxiety. Fetched Karyan and we went to temple together. I was going to pray my mother. It was my first time going there with friend, not with family.

When I reached, I was feeling so nervous. Everything went thru my mind. Then I realised, how much I actually miss my mother. All the memories I have about her are all nice ones. So I really hate it when people tell me stuffs that I don't know about my mother because it spoiled the image that I have in my mind.

When I was standing before her, I clasped my hands together and prayed. All I said was "Please bless me with a nice results. Please give me strength to overcome this and face it with courage like your's" I kept on repeating those words and tears eventually made it's way down. For 5 years, I was just talking to air. To a space which I don't even know if it exists. I miss her. I miss the sound of her laughter, I miss her scent, I miss her presence, I just miss her.

After praying, I felt different. As if someone showered me with love. I felt. Protected.

Then I went to buy breakfast and fetched CKM. We were off to school.

Many people were in the hall and my heart WASN'T beating fast. It was weird, I felt nothing. When I walk towards my class teacher's table to take my results, I was so nervous. She gave it to me after she scanned through it. I looked at it and honestly, I AM DISAPPOINTED.

Friends keep on asking how I did, what I get. I was disappointed. But I put on a happy face and said I did quite okay and I'm quite satisfied. At the moment when I send out messages to my sister, brother and everyone about my result, I have another strange feeling. It feels like someone is telling me "You did well.. Very good." And then I remembered. When I was small, no matter what results I got, my mother will always tell me the same thing. She'll say "You did well! It's okay. Not bad.. Keep up the hard work."

Could it be my mother? Is she really happy with my results? I really hope she was here today. I really wanna show it to her how I did, I wanna hear her say those words again. Sometimes, I wonder, why my sister is nothing like my mother? Why is she pushing me so hard? Why? Why she wants me to be like her? Why is she so demanding? Until today, I still haven't got the answer.

My uncle said I did very well. Is it? But I feel so disappointed. I could've done better. That's what people always say when they regret. My brother, as usual, is happy with my performance. My grandma was a bit ignorant but in the morning, just before I left home, she said to me "You've already did your best. Whatever the result is, let it be. Don't be nervous. Face it with courage."

Waileng and Ernni wished me all the best just before I went to take my result. Ernni was looking worried so I put on a happy face and said I'm satisfied with my results. She was actually the one who's so worried about me. I was nervous and she's there to tell me everything is alright, it's going to turn out perfectly fine. The night before, she message me. The content was like this ---> Heh so you slept? I hope so. Yeah don't worry kay. Everything will be perfectly fine. See you!

And thanks to her, I fell asleep before she send me the text and I had a goodnight sleep. The power of my little guardian, maybe? ^^

Reunion with friends was fun.

Spend almost 4 hours in KBOX screaming, singing, dancing like mad.

I mean my friends, not me. XD

It was fun..

I'm going to miss it because I don't know when we will get together like this again.

And if we did have a reunion like this, we won't know who'll be the busy one and miss out the reunion.

Friends, keep in touch okay! <3