USED

My name was 'borrowed' to tell Arther about the electric bill that's increasing every month because of the air conditioners. *We've 4 air-conds now*

What she was trying to say is, instead of having another one, why not use one of the old one and put it in that new room? But Arther was too busy to notice this hidden message and he eventually filed a complain to my sister.

Not only that, he even add more stories that he heard from Miss D( the one who borrowed my name)

And my sister called me and lectured me for an hour.

I was super dumb founded when she started telling me off about things that had nothing to do with me.

I kept quiet and listened.

I tried to hold back but I couldn't.

I just lash out my anger.

The reason they're looking for someone else instead of me to take care of Grandma is : I'll be leaving Ipoh to study.

But my sister said : Don't you feel ashamed when someone who has to resign from work to take care of Grandma when you're the one who supposed to take care of her?

This is the first problem. She misunderstood Arther's theory and she blamed it all on me.

Then she started talking about the overnight at hospital issue. As you all know, my birthday is 16th of April. I was really expecting a real fun party/celebration with friends this year. But then it turned out that I had overnight at hospital to take care of Grandma.

16th of April is my birthday.

16th of April is the day where my Grandma was admitted to hospital.

16th of April is also the day when the doctor told us about her condition that is not getting any better.

I know I shouldn't be celebrating my birthday, but even a simple dinner is not allowed? What am I? A prisoner?!

In the end, I had dinner with KY at KimGary.

And then the relatives started complaining about me gone missing.

Please, who was the one who said that he'll bring the dinner over?

Who was the one who said he's responsible for Grandma's meal?

Who was the one who failed to keep the promise?

And then everyone pointed their fingers at me when things went wrong?!

I only have one reason that I don't want to stay overnight in hospital.

The last time I slept, was the period when my mother was gravely ill.

I was only 12. But then, I was forced to sleep there. What can a little kid do at that age?

That kid was sleeping in fear. Afraid that something might happened to her mother while she's asleep.

2 weeks later, her mother passed away. And the last time she really took care of her mother was that night, the night where she slept in the hospital to accompany her mother. It has become a nightmare for her to go to hospital. Because each time she goes, she's afraid that that could be the last time. She's afraid to overnight in the hospital, because she doesn't want someone she loves died under her care.

But no one understand this little kid, who's now a young adult's fear.

The fear of losing someone.

And the next day, I fell sick.

Still, no one volunteered to stay overnight at the hospital.

I woke up at 0530 and left the hospital to wash up, and then went back to hospital.

But in the mean time when I'm gone,

Some people reported to Arther saying that I went missing and I ditched my responsibility to take care of the old lady who's so ill.

If they know how bad my headache was,

If they know how sick was I,

If they know I nearly got into a car accident because I was too tired,

If they know..

But no point telling them all these.

I wish, I really wish I could tell them but they won't understand.

Because in their eyes, I'm a teenager who was controlled by my emotions.

I'm a spoiled, selfish brat.

I'm a useless and hopeless person.

Since you called me useless and hopeless,

Why would you want me to take care of Grandma?

You're desperate.

You've no other people to help you except me.

Like I said before, don't thank me with your fake sincerity and your fake words.

Thank God because He made me stay no matter how much I was shivering from fear.

The thing that disgusts me the most is the moment after you complained to my sister, you sent me a text message saying how much you appreciate my help.

If I am a selfish person, I could have left and disappear.

I could have went to my friends' house,

I could have killed myself and free myself from all these hatred.

Yet, I can't.

Because every human is made to survive at any cost.

No matter how much I want to die, there's a part in me telling me to stay strong and walk through this sh*t.

I wasn't as tough as last time.

Because as I grew up,

I understand what pain is,

And the damage it causes.

I'm really thankful to my friends who're there for me when I was about to fall again.

Thank you, so much.

Without you guys, I would've embrace death.

Thanks a lot.

Whenever I was at the verge of breaking apart, I'll meet you guys, because within that short period of time, it'll strengthen me and I'll be fine again.

At least, I won't break down.

Although you guys did nothing much, but being there for me, is more than enough..

<3