MY FIRST HIT

What does it mean?
It means today is the first time in my life,
I HIT ANOTHER CAR.
It was a Waja, and unlucky me,
The fella is a cop some more.
=.=

Details about how it happened?
Nah, my friend who was with me said the Waja fella is at fault,
But the Waja fella said it's my fault.
No point debate over such matter.
It happened, I was the one who hit him,
My fault.
End of story.

I was really guilty because,
First of all,
It's not my car,
Secondly,
I'm fetching my friend,
And I had give a lot of trouble to my brother.
And also my uncle.
I was glad that they didn't blame me for it.
They said "It's your first time, don't worry.. It's very usual.."
Uncle Arther said "The car is not that important. The most important thing is you're not hurt"
My friend said "Don't worry about me. I'm worry about you."

I was really glad that they still give me support,
I AM really thankful to them, and to God for sending them to help me.
Sometimes,
A small action,
A simple word,
Can touch the deepest of my heart.

Honestly,
I was afraid.
I was so scared.
Not scared of the consequences for hitting that fella's car,
But scared for troubling the people around me.
I was so scared that they might leave me.
I admit it,
I really felt it at that moment.
I prayed.
I prayed to God to help me, help my brother, help everyone.
I don't know whether He heard it or not,
But I did feel better,
At least,
I had stop crying in the car.

I am the biggest failure of the family,
At such a young age,
I already hit a car,
A cop's car (not the white Waja, just a normal silver Waja)
At some point,
I really felt so down,
I'm so disappointed with myself.
How can I not able to brake faster?
How can I not avoid that?

I know something is going wrong today.
I have that weird feeling.
When the paper finished,
I thought it was all my imagination,
But I was proved wrong.
When I thought it was over,
It begins.

I don't know what had I learned from this lesson.
I really don't.
Drive carefully?
I'm always careful.
Sometimes, the victim can be the cause of the accident,
The victim(cop) is definitely the cause of this accident.
If only he didn't e-brake,
I wouldn't have hit him hard.
So hard.
His whole bumper was... Dented.
Right at the middle,
The moment my car finally stop,
My hands were already shaking.
But I was somehow calm inside,
Because I'm not alone,
I can't freak out when my friend is beside me,
I am the driver,
I must be stronger,
At least I do look so,
Until I called my uncle and told him.

I managed to hold on,
Until I reached home.
Now,
I'm still trembling in fear,
My heart still beats fast,
My eyes feel so tired from all those 'pouring out' session.
I wish..
I wish everything will be well.

*Preparing.. Hairstylist was Evelyn, while the make-up was done by Eve*

Grad was fun, of course.

But the price that I had to pay for the fun was too much.

my iPhone was stolen.

It's not that I complain about it because it a iPhone,

It's because of the memories I had inside...

All of it means so so so much to me..

I want it back so badly.

I couldn't sleep well since Friday night because I couldn't stop thinking about the phone.

I WANT IT BACK SO FCUKING BADLY!!

Those memories that I treasure so much,

Just vanished in a second..

It reminds me of how my mother vanished from my life.

It was unbelievable. It was painful.

No matter how much I suffered,

The pain never ends,

From time the time,

I can still feel the heaviness on my chest,

The burden and stress..

I'm sick of people who told me they understand what I'm going through.

YOU.DON'T.UNDERSTAND.AT.ALL.

Apparently, no one really has the heart to dive into the ocean and save me from drowning.

They'll just stand there and celebrate the moment when I'm struggling to survive, and about to die.

Honestly, who cares?

Who ever care for me?

I was only there when you needed my help.

I was only there because no one was there for you.

I was only there when you realised that you can take me for granted.

When did you ever appreciate my presence and not treat me like a toy?

When WILL you treat me as a true friend?

Now that I think of it,

I was really a fool,

I became someone else just to be in your list.

I became someone to please you.

I became someone else because you want me to.

Now,

Why would I continue to fulfill your request when you doesn't worth it, at all?!

I will be who I am supposed to be.

You can't understand what I'm thinking?

ASK!

You don't feel like want to care about me?

THEN DON'T!

Pretending to care for me is very pathetic.

I don't need your sympathy.

I'm in a fcuking fugly mood these days so I advice you not to mess with me.

I don't want to burn anyone around me because of my anger.

To me, everything about it is a burden.

When I was standing before the gate,

I was actually hesitating whether to go out or not.

I WAS HESITATING!

It was a very heavy burden.

In fact,

It's the only thing I wanna get rid.

But I couldn't..

All I need is some sleeping pills.

I've never experience such terrible insomnia before!

Trial is OVER,

Everything should go back to how it was.

The medicine that Krishnan gave me doesn't affect my sleep time,

That's what he told me.

But I couldn't sleep AT ALL.

I'll stay awake until 5-6a.m,

Then when it's about time for my alarm clock to go off,

I fell asleep.

I was like a corpse,

No matter how my grandma shake me, call me,

I wouldn't respond.

After I wake up,

I remember nothing about her trying to wake me up.

I want to go to school.

In a fresh and healthy state of course.

But all I can do now is stay at home and suffer and suffer.

Something is really wrong,

I've to go for a full body check-up soon,

But when?

How?

Will my sister bring me to a hospital to do check-up?

Pfft,

She won't care.

She'll say it's all my imagination!

I guess my broken heart is not healed yet.

It takes time.. A long long time.

7th of Aug was the day I started to forget about you.

And yesterday was the day I had shed my tears because of you for the last time.

Very last time.

Well, let's say it's the tear of farewell.

It was only 30 minutes of shedding.

But it was more than enough how hard it is for me to let go,

And how much I needed you and how much I love you.

Today, is 17th of Aug.

My new day, new life starts here.

I can't guarantee that I will not miss you,

But I can guarantee that I'm letting it go.

It was a beautiful thing.

A very well painted painting you did to me.

To my life.

Thanks you M/Z.

I'll always pray for you..

Goodbye, Z.

I realised that students nowadays are too happy with their life.

Too happy until they don't have the sympathy or sad feeling for others' who have a not perfect family.

When Lionel gave us the paper, it was about a girl whom her family was not perfect.

Her grades was good, but her parents ignore that. In fact, they ignored her.

Her dad was an attorney, and an alcoholic.

Her mother was a bitch, useless.

It was weird to see how hard she struggles for her life.

When her class teacher asked her to come into the other room for the conference(her parents supposed to come), she was sad..

The teacher told her "First of all, I want you to know how much I love you. Secondly, you need to know it's not your fault that whether your parents are here or not. YOU DESERVE TO KNOW HOW WELL i THINK YOU ARE DOING."

The feeling when you can look at yourself through someone else's eyes but not your parents' eyes..

It was ugly because someone ELSE can know how much and how well you did.

And you worked so hard for the ones to see, but they don't see it.

This is what I'm feeling now. I'm doing what I can to fulfill their request, but everything that I do, never seemed to be enough for them.. They always wanted more.

I'm a human, not a robot. I'm not perfect. I have my flaws!

I don't think they understand what I'm going through..

Not last time, not now, not in the future.

No matter how hard I tried to tell them about my stuff,

They just won't understand.

Maybe they're too busy with work.

Stay strong Puisan!