Guardian Angels

That's how I wanna name them.
They're the ones who always show me hope when I was falling apart.
No matter how hard my life is, with their support and words, I feel like I can fight better.
Pook and Karyan are my bff. As in, sometimes they make me feels like they knows me better than I know myself! Hahaha *too bad Pook is a guy, or else he can be my jimui at my wedding. XDDD Or maybe he can be the one who beat up my future husband when he makes me cry. LOL. Too much of imagination going on. :P

I had been blabbing about the things Eddie and I did. Everything. Anything.
And it's because I'm constantly reminding myself.

"Those are the memories that I should cherish. And I don't want to feel sad when I think about it. Instead, I feel happy. Because I was blessed, loved, cherished."

But then, I'm also torturing myself with those memories.
Why?
Because those memories are the source of energy that keeps my feeling for him to stay alive.
HOWEVER, I'm really letting go. Moving on.

I'm not tired of trying. I can keep on trying and trying and trying....
But won't this makes things become more complicated?
I want us to be friends. Because you'll make a good friend.
Because I, somehow, knows you a little bit more than your friends.
It's like being the 2nd Nicholas, you know.
Like Nicholas said "好来好去"
I don't wanna keep on thinking that there'll be a day where you'll come back for me.
I don't wanna make any presumption because it doesn't worth another heartbreak.
I don't wanna waste my time on a person who (maybe) don't even spend a minute a day to think about me. Because I spent every second thinking about you.
I don't wanna........
I wish I can say I don't wanna lose you.
But I know that's not what I should say. I can't say that!
Because there's no use. I've already lost you, whether I want it or not.

Actually, I was so surprised when Pook said "You've been building it all up. And you're just waiting for a chance like this to blow up. After this, you've to stop them."
He meant my feelings for him.
Karyan, Pook and I had been chatting and we talked about so many things!
And when it comes to even a little bit thing related to Eddie, I'll say "Eddie and I.........."
Or I'll say "Eddie............"
He'll be the topic I wanna talk about.
I said I'm over him.
I'm actually IN THE PROCESS of moving on.
I've felt a lot better, compared to last 2 weeks.
I can feel my strength coming back. My confidence. The Phooisan who's made out of steel.
I'll get rid of my habit.

Pook is right.
Many people mistaken that the feeling for your partner has gone after few months being together.
Actually, it's because you've got use to his existence, company. Your feelings never left.
But in human's mind, they'll thought "That's it. I don't have feel for him/her anymore."
I'm so used to having him in my life.
But I'm always conscious of my feelings for me.
It kept on growing everyday. Sometimes I can still feel myself loving him.
But I don't think I want you back.
It's not because I hate you. It's not because I can't love you for the 2nd time.
It's because I don't know if you worth the 2nd chance.
I don't know whether I can risk another heartbreak from the same person.

I'll stop saying anything about Eddie. As in, I can't stop, of course!
But I'll talk less.
And in 20 more days. I can get rid of this habit, I hope.
It's takes 21 days to build a habit, and also the same amount of time to kill a habit.
I'll try to stop depending so much on them. Friends.
I mean, I need to grow up and stand on my own feet.
I can't always look for people to talk to.
Because everyone have their problems also.
Don't you realise, the person that you always tell your problems to never tells you back their problems?
It's because of their ability to solve so many things at once.
Sometimes, I envy people like that.
But then, sometimes I feel lucky that I don't have that ability.
Because that's the time where God will send the Guardian Angels to me and guide me, bring me back to my feet.

I'm so thankful for everyone who's been with me since they knew about my problem.
Karyan, Pook, Meileng, Carmen, Evelyn, Andrea, Ckm, Oja, Fanny, Daniel.
I love them so much. Meileng is not close to me. She's Eddie's GS. But she's been comforting me for about 2 hours. And not forgetting Nicholas. Eddie's best friend. They're on my side even though Eddie is their best friend. Because the problem is with him. Not me. I'm considered the victim.
But in a relationship, there's no winner or loser.

I remember I was whispering your name before I really fell asleep yesterday. I was saying "Dear...."
That's how I call you.

And I was dreaming. I was calling out for you again.
But this time, when I called, I almost shouted.
I woke up calling for you. "Dear!"
And my eyes shot open. Feeling like hell because of the exhaustion from the past few days.

And also the pain that's still in me.

For you who's reading this, be strong. Life may be tough. But that doesn't mean that's the end. Because the end of something is always the beginning of something even better. You just have to go thru that process. Because this is LIFE.
If you don't have those process. I don't think you're a human. LOL

It's all about your mindset. How you think.
I still think my relationship with Eddie is a very beautiful relationship.
Because he was once my love. We've shared moments that no one can understands. We've created memories that no one can replace or recreate.
But, you also can think that I wasted my time on this guy. He played me. He broke me. Whatever. You know, putting all the blames on him.
But now I realise that I also did few mistakes.
I always assume he's happy with everything. Because I am.
Sometimes, we need to ask. Don't assume.
You're born with a mouth to speak. But always listen with your heart.
And listen to your heart.
Loneliness speaks the loudest truth.

You're a Habit.

No, I don't love you anymore.
I'm not lying to myself.
Maybe I still like you.
Yes, I miss you. A lot!
But now I understand why so many people said "I miss you, but no, I don't want you back."
It's not that I don't trust you.
It's because there's only 1 time in everything.
The 2nd time is a chance, but it won't be the same anymore because of the scar that you left previously.
And I don't think you deserve a 2nd chance.
Okay, you do. But I don't think I can give you that until you show me how much you deserve it.
And promise me using your heart, not your words!

Now, you're just a habit of mine.
I'm used to sending you messages. About the random flasbacks that suddenly pops up.
But don't worry, I'm moving on.
I'm letting go.
You changed.
You're the one who changed. Not me.

We broke up.
He is fine.
I'm not.
End of story.

April Fool?

I had fun fooling people yesterday.
All of the prank were about him and me.
There's this about my menses was late, I'm moving to Japan with him in 2 more months, he wants me to leave and stay with him, we broke up, and we got engaged.
Everyone fell for my prank. Fanny was the most kesian. But it was fun.
I mean, me and him, got engaged. Means we're tied together by the string of fate and by law.

Then, today is 2nd of April.
I was in SPPK' new NC, at upstairs.
I was busy helping Daniel to design the whiteboard with out monthly schedules.
And my phone rang.
That ringtone only belongs to his no.
I was so excited and I stopped whatever I'm doing and ran to my phone.
Daniel said "So excited? Eddie ah?"
I was grinning but I said "No."
And thankfully, I said no. Because if I had said yes,
I would tear up immediately after I read the message.
It was a beautiful morning but it turns sour when I read that hurtful message.

我们分手吧.
The world stopped spinning.
My heart stopped beating.
Everything seems to be stopped at the moment.
I ignored the message and continued whatever I was doing.
I was so lost.
Daniel asked "What's wrong with you? Didn't I tell you to write ___ and ____?"
I was like "Yeah, I just forgot for a bit."
I was trying so hard to stop it.
Stop my feelings from controlling me.
Stop showing my soft side to others.
I appeared to be a tough lady, a strong one.
A lady that doesn't know the meaning of failure or fall.
But then, this time.
I fell hard.
I fell because I saw him there. I know he'll catch me.
But I didn't know that he's letting me go after managed to catch me.
And the fall is even worse.

I didn't said that I don't want.
Instead I asked, "It can't be saved?"
It hurts so much.
I feel like dying at that moment.
It's my birthday month.
It my big day in another 14 days.
And I was wishing to spend it with you in my life.
Maybe we can't spend time together at that time.
But then, we're still tied with each other.
That bond could be the best present for me.
And I don't wish for this bond to be broken.

You don't need to have any qualification to say you love me.
Because you're already qualified as my boyfriend.
So you're more than qualified and anyone to say that.
And even if you don't say, it's okay.
Because as long as I can feel it with my heart, you've already said I Love You.
And Eddie Chong, I Love You.
I really love you.
Remember the promise we made?

I asked you how long we can be together and you answered forever. You even asked me why I ask such silly question.
My answer was because I'm afraid one day you'll stop holding my hands, hugging, kissing or talking to me.
I said I'm scared if  you don't want me anymore.
And you said "I won't leave you. I'm scared that if you're the one who leave me!"
And then I replied "I won't leave you. Because I love you more than you love me."
And then you replied again saying "How you know? I love you more than you love me."
Do you still remember this promise?

I love you.
You think this is hard for you?
Think about me.
I'm not feeling any better than you.
It's the 46th days since we last met.
We didn't meet each other for about 2months.
And I'm suffering here and I still need to fake my happiness to continue working.
I'm faking everything.
Because that's how much I believe things will work out for us eventually.
We just need to be patient, and believe in each other.
I believe in you, I love you.
So please, please please please fight this obstacle with me.
Please.
I need you.
I really can't live without you.
Don't leave me.
Don't do this to me.
I've gone too far.
I can't go back.
Please, stay and fight.

Confused. Love&Pain.

I'll be going to KL tomorrow.
What I get from him until now is SILENCE.
I don't even know what I should kind of outcome should I hope for for the interview.
Pass, or not?
I want to pass. I want to try new things.
But when I went to Gunung Rapat's NC today,
All of a sudden, I saw the beauty of the club.
It may looks small and old but it's beautiful.
My heart feels heavy to leave Herbalife just like that.
I love Herbalife.
I love him even more.

My feelings now are so complicated.
I'm so lost.
Today, I spoke to a new-comer, May.
Fanny asked me to tell her my stories to motivate her.
When I was telling her, I thought "When will I ever get the chance to share my story and experience to others after this?"
Yesterday I cried myself to sleep again.
I was in so much pain that my tears just won't stop until I don't know when I fell asleep crying.
I wanna scream and trash things and be violent.

Where is he when I need him the most?
Where is he when I'm facing a career crisis?
Where is he when I'm facing the biggest fear?
Where is he when I needed support mentally and physically?
Where?

Did he read all the messages I sent to him since we stopped talking?
I hope he did.
These few days, lots of random memories came back to me.
He was one of the people who helped me when my tire punctured at KL during Zero To Hero at KL.
He went to Ken and borrowed his car in order to look for shops while put my car somewhere else.
He was the one in the car who kept on asking me to think of positive things. Law of attraction.
He was the one who said things will be fine and asked me to cheer up.

When Eddie started to lose his Avanza....
Both of us came up with the idea of exploring new places to do roadshow.
We thought of Kledang Hill.
We're the only one who started the roadshow at Kledang Hill.
Though the Sean also came with us to explore the places.
I remembered I was wearing my sandals and jeans skirt and they made me walk up the hill with them.
Crazy fellas, but I did because they're my good friends.
I stopped halfway because I don't feel comfortable walking with my sandals on slopes.
So Eddie and Sean continue going and they came back about 10 minutes later.
We're all sweating.
Eddie was about to take off his shirt because he was sweating,
He'd roll up his shirt until the chest level, and he puts it back down suddenly and said with a bit of sarcasm
"Better not take off my shirt. What if Phooi San fell in love with my naked and fair-white back?"
We just laughed.
But who knows that I actually love your broad chest/back because I feels so protected whenever you hugs me.
And I also remember that you lost your phone and walk all the way back to my Menglembu house with your sports' shoe spoiled, it was your worst day.
You sat outside my house under the sun because I didn't hear you shouting for my name when I was upstairs.

I also remember when we were doing roadshow at Pologround after you started doing gym with Daniel,
I will drive because I know you're tired and your muscles ache. And you would say
"Wah, Phooi San gives me so many mother-like-love."

And when I don't have car to do roadshow at Tesco, but he still has his Avanza that time,
He offered to fetch me to and fro because he'll pass by Menglembu no matter how..
And he hid my phone and I was so panicked,
So I revenged by driving away his car and parked somewhere else.
It was the craziest thing I ever did in my life.
I couldn't stop laughing when he was fetching me home and he keeps on asking
"Very funny horrrr?"

And I remembered we're pretending to be "too-close-for-good-friends-relationship" just to test if Orange has feeling for you.
My heart was beating crazily when I pretended to play with your hair.

And that day where you fell sick after eating my customer's Sambal Prawn,
I was so worried. You looked so pale and you're having fever.
And after you felt a bit better-few days later, I forced you to drink 100+. Hahaha

And we did crazy things like going to Secret Recipe just to eat the cakes.
And watch movies, only both of us.

When we were together, there are even more sweet memories.

When we're going to Penang that day, he was staring at my lips.
So I give him a real quick kiss on the lips and he said "Yer, I don't like that. Dry and rough lips."
Then we make out and I pushed him away about, 5 secs later? LOL
Where did he get the courage to do such thing when his friends were at the front seat?!

And when we had lunch for the first time at the TasteGood restaurant,
He ordered fried noodle while I ordered Spaghetti(white sauce because you he likes it)
In the end, I'm eating his fried noodle and he's eating my spaghetti.
That was so sweet :3

Not forgetting the back hugs every time when I was filling my bottle with water at your house.
And those kisses at public places like, cinema, when we're shopping, at comic house.
I just love it. I've always hoped for a kissy boyfriend because in my mind, a kissy boyfriend is a very sweet and loving boyfriend. And yes he is.

I remembered on our first date, he said he wanna buy me the SUB dress if I became Supervisor.
I declined his offer although I love the dress so much because I want him to spend money on other things.
I'm not a materialistic girlfriend. I'm just, well, a girlfriend that can make Eddie Chong happy.

I can't move on just like that.
Don't ask me to show that I'm happier without him.
I can't.
I'm not happy without him. He brings me to heaven.
And when he leaves, I'll fall to a place where it's worse than hell.
He takes away all my pain. Even if he don't, he makes those less painful. Bearable.
He's my pain killer, he's my morphine. He's MY drug.
I'm addicted to this drug and asking me stop will take away my soul. My spirit.
But now, he's also the cause of the pain.

I need him.
I want him.
I miss him.
I love him.
He is Eddie Chong.

I don't want him to be my past because I saw my present and future with him.
Waiting is painful for me.
But I'm willing to wait.
I believe in him, I believe in us.

Yesterday was the worst.
I can't sleep.
Was watching Grey's Anatomy and it wasn't a sad scene but I just feel my tears fell as if the gravity force is so strong that it can't stop falling.
Then I just lie on my back and let it fall uncontrollably.
And I'm crying so badly, almost suffocating my brain as its lack of oxygen.
Then it stopped suddenly, and I continue watching the series until 7am in the morning.
Slept for a while, get up and start doing the resume and CV for the interview on this Saturday.

I miss him, I need him.
What can I do if the worse really happened to ME?
Will you leave and run away from problems again?
Or will you wake up and make a change?
I'm hoping and praying hard that all these that's happening to me is due to stress.
I don't want this to be another reason for you to say you needs a temporary break from all this.
I want this to strengthen our bond instead or making it weak.
You asked me some times ago whether do I have it and you looks so, I don't know. Anticipated?
But I trust you despite of whats going to happen.
Because I just know you better than myself.
Love you Eddie Chong. <3 br="">

MY POV

Its been a month. But I'm still waiting, hoping.
Why? Because I love him too much. A little too much.
I can suddenly smile when I reminisced those sweet moments,
And cried when the pain struck.
How did we end up like this?
I really don't know.

I miss you so much. But do you even know? Maybe you know, maybe you don't.
Like I said that day, I've reached the level where I don't like you anymore, but I love you.
Have you reached that level? I don't care.
All I care is you, and I want to be with you.

Some of them ask me to end this.
While some just say "follow what your heart says."
So I decided to wait.

If everyone will break up just because of small matters,
Then true love won't exist.
Because being in a relationship means being each other's half.
Your half in him, and his half in you.
If you can't do that,
Then don't even think about being in a relationship.

If everyone break up because of a small mistake,
Then everyone's record of their love life will be a bad one,
You'll have so many ex and so if your partner.
Won't you mind?
If everyone break up because they can't work things out,
Then there a blissful marriage is just a fairytale.

See, if everyone decides to change when things go wrong, instead of thinking how to overcome it,
Then there won't be any successful people.
Why are those people so successful in life?
Why their ridiculous dreams can come true?
Because they've know mistakes and they consistently look out for solutions to reach that one thing that they want to achieve.
Don't adjust your goals, but adjust your plans to reach your goals.
I'm still young, I know.
I'm just 19 so why think so much?
The answer is, that's how serious I am in this relationship.